what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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