oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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