... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
