youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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