I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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