is your mom at the bar?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
