I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
