Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
