So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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