Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
