i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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