Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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