Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
