She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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