sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What a dumb baby whore.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
