i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize