quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
