We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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