then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
