Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize