This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Drake has all the answers
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
