Where is the hickey?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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