life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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