i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i believe in u and ur pee
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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