smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
