This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the condom got lost in my hair
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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