Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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