I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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