I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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