I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
