Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
