If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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