someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need help removing her.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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