six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
