Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize