What did we do last night that was yellow?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize