he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
