I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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