This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
