why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
