According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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