The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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