you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize