so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
