My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize