I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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