What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
