Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
