You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
