Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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