I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
