I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
