You just made me feel so damn special
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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