dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize