Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
