She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
