Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
