If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
