You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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