I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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