miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
