I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize