The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
