For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
