You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
