you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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