apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
