You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize