and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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